My Son, My Miracle Page 12

We heard the soft shuffle of Dr. Baird's feet still laden in surgical "booties" . . .

Painting by:  Nathan Green

Sleep, Baby Sleep

Sleep, baby sleep,
While the world passes by.
I'll be the keeper,
 Of your dreams tonight.

I'll be your eyes,
 Until you can see.
I'll be your voice,
 Until you can speak.

 In this land of strangers,
  I'll be the one,
 To love and protect you,
 Guide and respect you.
 

 In my arms you will be,
 Forever home.

  Sleep, baby sleep,
In an ocean of love.
No way of knowing,
What you're thinking of.

Close to the heart,
That's where you belong.
You're part of my spirit,
Part of my song.
First, last and always.

 Have you come to show me,
 What love's all about?
To lift up my faith,
 Higher than doubt?

 In my arms you will be,
 Forever home.

--Kurth Wally

Steve and I had only just awakened when we heard the soft shuffle of Dr. Baird's feet still laden in  surgical "booties" approaching  us.  He was wearing a wide grin and there seemed to be an aura of light surrounding him.  He was still fully clad in surgical attire. 

He reported that the surgery had gone very well, describing it as a "grand success."  We, in return,  told Dr. Baird  that we suspected that  he was attended by angels as he operated on our tiny son's heart and he humbly shook his head in agreement.

Now, it was hoped that Jared would grow big enough, strong enough, and stay well enough to become a prime candidate for a fontan procedure.  This intricate surgical procedure would give Jared his very best chance at life but one had to be well enough to survive it.  If he did not become a candidate for the fontan procedure, we were warned his prognosis was for a short life span.  He might live to the age of 11 or 12.

Soon after Jared's surgery, I was released from the hospital and Jared was released from the NICU to join the other little heart patients on the cardiac floor of the Unversity of Michigan's Children's Hospital. 

I returned home just long enough to reassure Joel and Jordan that mommy loved them and I tried to explain to them that their new little brother needed mommy to be with him until he was well enough to come home to be with our family.  I don't know how much they comprehended, but I knew that their daddy would nurture and love them while I was with Jared.

When I got back to the hospital, I was overcome by fatigue and weariness.  I made my bed next to Jared's crib on a hard make-shift type of widened window seat and there I stayed, next to my son. 


I know this sounds strange, and I had never experienced this before, but there were times when I didn't know whether I was asleep or awake.  I didn't know whether I was dreaming that Jared's nurses were talking to me or if in reality they really were asking questions about their little patient.  On one occasion a nurse tried to talk me into going home to get some rest, but I could not be persuaded. 

Jared continued to heal and grow stronger.  He was still too weak to drink from a bottle.  I had tried to nurse him but my milk dried completely up after going through septic shock.  I tried pumping.  I really wanted Jared to have the best, but it was not in my power to breast feed him and his sucking reflex was weak. 

For the first ten months of his life, Jared was fed through a naso-gastic tube which was inserted through his nose, down his throat and into his stomach. I was trained in the hospital to feed Jared that way.  I was given a stethoscope whereupon I would listen while pushing air through a tube with a syringe to be sure the tube was properly placed.  If the tube ended up in a lung instead of in the stomach, it could be fatal. 

At first, I would cry when I had to place the tube for a feeding.  Jared would scream as the tube passed through his body and I was truly afraid of hurting him or worse.  I soon understood that because I loved him, I had to "hurt" him to help him grow, just as he had to endure the pain from his surgeries in order to survive.

I was given mathematical calculations for his weight and size so I would know precisely how much formula to give him.  Feeding him this way was not satisfying to either one of us, but grow he did!  I was lectured by one of his cardiologists that I was making him "too fat."  I was only following their instructions.  Jared was doing the growing!  For ten months, Jared hardly tasted solid food. 

Stay Tuned . . .